You haven’t heard R.E.M.?

I noticed quickly as a child that the other kids around me were doing more than just going to the community pool in the summertime.  They were going to Florida.  

It wasn’t like they were going on a fancy vacation. No.  They were just going to Panama City Beach.  So, my parents decided to do the same.  As a parent now, I know what a huge pain in the ass all of this is, now.  To be honest, I could barely swim, so I would just get on a raft and run into the waves.  

We did this every year until I became a teenager.  I think my parents came up with the idea for me to bring a friend.  My friend, who has the same name as I, came along, so we thought it was a great way to meet girls. 

Girls.  Girls has now topped my interest in baseball cards and had consumed me.  We met lots of girls.  But something happened.  I figured out that we weren’t cool.  We had terrible haircuts.  We listened to terrible music.  These girls were not into metal.  There were arguing over the lyrics to "End of the World As We Know It."  I had never heard R.E.M. or the song before and here were these very cute girls arguing over the lyrics to this manic crazy song.  For the life of me, I couldn’t understand why guys would want to listen to "Boys Don’t Cry" by The Cure over and over again on the beach.  It was because the girls were in charge of the music.  I kissed girls.  Girls were kissing us.  We would never see each other again.  I lost my mom’s class ring.  Maybe in the ocean.  I kissed a girl that smoked cigarettes.  She smelled funny and had tattoos.  

When we got back home, we found out that my friend’s grandmother had passed away while we were gone.  They just decided to wait to tell him when we got back.  

My parents and I never went on that vacation again.  I grew up in one summer really quick.   At some point, I got a hair cut and went out and bought every R.E.M. and Cure cassette.  The jury is still out if I’m cool.  And maybe that girl with the tattoos has my mom’s class ring.  

Raising a child is like taking care of someone who’s on way too many shrooms, while you yourself are on a moderate amount of shrooms. I am not confident in my decisions, but I know you should not be eating a mousepad.
Ron Funches (via lazybookreviews)

63,851 notes

Dead Horse

I’m archiving and moving old blog entries around.  I found this one…..still remember writing it.

February 10. 2010

After almost 7 months, I feel like I am swimming with sharks. Or dead Carp. I guess it all depends on your outlook. Friday AM, I received an email with a rejection letter from a huge corporation doing entry level customer service. Of course, I can do this job, but with the amount of people applying, I am just squeezed out. In an almost panic, I applied for jobs at every retail outlet I could think of even though I had been advised that without a retail background, it was totally pointless.

So. I had to step away from the 2D screen. Repetitive eye strain? What happens when I actually do have a job? Maybe it would be best if I folded clothes at the Gap.

I took a walk. It was sunny and I thought a nice walk down by the river would be great. 

Then……I discovered a dead horse. Not just any horse: a huge dead horse floating in the Ohio River. It was smoldering in the sun and still had snow on it, so who knows how long it had been in the river.   You can see the steam coming off of it.  It was literally cooking in the sun.  I felt like it was a bad omen, so I went up to Joe’s Crab Shack, found the manager and told him to call Metro Services.  I left.   When I got home, I grabbed the mail and it was another rejection letter.  



If your work meetings suck, this is for you.

Recently, an app called Charlie scored an Accelerator Finalist award at SXSW.

Charlie has one goal: prior to your next business meeting, get to know your co-workers and other people involved in the meeting. Charlie filters through available data online and presents profiles of meeting participants so that you can get to know more about them for the meeting. It can even send alerts to you if there’s anything in common with another participant in the meeting.

It’s a little Big-Brother-y, but I guess the thought is that if you know a bit more about that person… what they like, what they do… that you can have a better meeting. 

Charlie is just in Beta testing so, for now, companies have to rely on their existing resources to make meetings productive.

So, during your meetings, are your employees not engaged?  Is it low energy? Is everyone playing with their phone?  Are YOU playing with your phone?

It sounds like your meetings need a facelift… or a full body transplant.

By being more creative, allowing more freedom, having fun, your employees can look forward to meetings that are productive and valuable.

Here’s how to make your meeting totally rock:

  • Start with an icebreaker.   This can be as easy as “What’s everyone’s favorite movie?”  This frees up the tension that employees would have about speaking up.  Everyone gets to learn a little more about their co-workers. Keep this in mind: a very effective icebreaker can transition to the first topic of discussion.
  • Add music.  Totally eliminate the memory of your boring meetings by always starting your new meeting with high energy. 
  • Eliminate the hierarchy.  King Arthur did this with the Knights of the Round Table. All of your employees should feel very comfortable speaking and sharing ideas in your meetings. 
  • There are no bad ideas.  Sometimes, a great idea sprouts from a terrible one. 
  • Celebrate success.  It’s so important to recognize individual and collective successes. Share. Get your employees involved.    
  • Be a hero to your coworkers.  Set a firm start and end time. 

Encourage your employees to be creative.  They will thank you with their enthusiasm and provide you with rich ideas for your clients.

It was NYE 1998.  A very potential new roommate invited to me to his NYE party which he insisted would be fab.  I was excited to make out with someone at midnight, get hammered, have something amazing happen.  Instead, I had to endure his girlfriend full court press me in his own kitchen, in hallways…..multiple times to hook up with her at the party.  “Hook up” is being polite for this post.  I was freaked.  Did I tell him?  Did I just go through with it?  She was super attractive, but it was so not my thing.  And this poor guy set up these awkward weird games for us to play.  His NYE party was such a bust.  I got kinda drunk.  And here I am…..SOMEWHERE in Queens and I have no idea where I am, where the subway is and there are ZERO cabs.  A stranger from the party who I will never remember had a car and offered to take me the long way home to Brooklyn.  And she put in a copy of Leonard Cohen’s Greatest Hits.  I asked who it was and she told me.  We sat in total silence on the way to my flat.  Leonard Cohen’s music is beautiful, sad and lovely.  But sometimes, when I listen, I go back to that quiet, lonely ride home. 

Day One. No Soda

So, I made a pact to not drink any more sodas beginning today.

I binged over the weekend drinking a Mtn Dew Code Red, 2 Sun Drops and as many Coke as possible.   I even had a Miller High Life night cap last night. 

So, my two year old is up till after midnight trying to shake off the sugar high she had from being at my parents.  I’m delirious and frustrated.  When I wake up, I am so groggy I have to throw cold water on my face.

Then….my 2 year old rolls off her big sister’s bed.  Crash.  Bummer.  She’s fine, but it freaks me out so much, my muscles are still tense and sore and it’s noon.

I had to get a pick me up this AM, so I decided to get a Red Bull…..sugar free.  Now, I am about to go to lunch and all I can think of is having a soda.  We might have sushi or even pizza…….but I want a soda. 

It’s like crack.   See for your self.


Sorry dear Tumblr.

I have neglected your ass, so that I can have a Podcast, a daughter, a mortgage and a sleeping problem.

I miss you.



My Extraordinary Wednesday

This morning began a little before 6am.  I awoke, showered and started preparing breakfast for the ladies.  I took our little girl to day care and ran into the lady that asked me a few days ago if I wanted to “microwave her bottle for 30 seconds.  We don’t do that here.”  I made her repeat it just to prove my point.  She’s the assistant director apparently and she her first name sounds like a stripper.  She…does not look like a stripper.

I threw myself into work.  We had a great meeting and talked about giving away a vehicle using primarily social networking, discussed a menu item called “Pig Lickers” and listened to Arcade Fire.

Then, we went to the CW station and taped a bit we created to giveaway front row and meet and greet concert tickets.  It was a relay race we created where men had to paint toenails, put lipstick on their ladies and the payoff was them putting on our radio station shirts and running to the finish line.  It was awesome.  Our AM Drive person couldn’t make it.  So it’s just noon and I’ve already been on TV.

There were several little unplanned meetings in the afternoon.  Our interns arrived and their first task was to rid our building of Wheat Thins.  We had dozens and dozens of boxes of Wheat Thins that had been laying around and had expired.  They took care of this task in addition to rearranging and cleaning up a big room we had used for storage of old desks, computers and filing cabinets.  They did all of this in less than an hour.

The twist in my day was when the manager of the restaurant next door came to our office to complain that there was no room in the dumpsters to put their trash.  We had filled their dumpsters with Wheat Thins.  And some of their employees were literally just taking them out to take home.  So, the day isn’t over, I have been on TV and now I am digging boxes out of a dumpster.  It’s the worst dumpster in the universe, so we couldn’t actually get inside it.  

Competition sometimes is fierce.  So instead of getting mad, you have to get out of the box and figure out another way to win.  So with one phone call, I set up a live broadcast where the first 103 people to stop by get a free slice of pizza.  

Then someone that works directly with my wife has a medical emergency.

I have to bail work to pick up both kids. So then I spent an hour on a playground with both of my little girls and it was wonderful.   There’s really nothing fucked up to talk about.  Just an extraordinary day.